Sunday thoughts

I have been hurt. Deeply wounded. Many times in my life. I am sure I have wounded others as well.  Wounding seems to go both ways; that it's a two-way street or actually an endless multi-lane highway. It's far easier to focus on the wounds received than the wounds handed out. Maybe because I can only feel the pain of my hurts and maybe some remorse and guilt over the wounds I've caused. But I cannot feel anyone elses pain. I've heard many people claim they can but I don't believe it. We feel our own feelings and obviously sometimes in response to pain that someone else is going through (empathy) but ultimately my own pain is what I am actually knowledgeable of and intimate with. I regret any pain I've caused and I am remorseful of it (more of my own pain) but as I stated, it's far easier to talk about my own pain than I can about yours. Even if I have caused yours.
Sometimes the pain lingers long after the events that initially caused the pain are but a distant memory. As a Christian I have been instructed to forgive which I have mistakenly assumed (as many have) that once forgiveness for the offense occurs then there will be no more of the pain associated with the act that caused the hurt. Not true. Those feelings are still there. What do I do with them?
I believe I have cast them onto the Lord and yet the hurt is still here. Many would say that means I haven't cast a thing onto Christ. That might be true and it might not be true. There are many who randomly throw out their opinions as if they know what they are talking about. We seldom do, especially when it comes to what others than ourselves have or haven't done. People commonly jump to conclusions about what someone has or hasn't done right about the situation and we tend to forget how often we too fail in these same ways. It seems that many view the Christian life as a thing to be grasped and attained in that once we have grasped or attained it then the answers to our issues and problems should be simple and straightforward. But the reality of life and as a human being is far from simple and straightforward. To reduce giving Godly counsel by throwing out misinformed tidbits of advice is neither Godly nor is it counsel. More often than not we should keep our mouths shut when it comes to telling one another what should or shouldn't be done. To be honest most of the instruction I have received from God has been to do just that; to shut up and trust that He'll let me know what to say and when to say it.
The hurt I referred to earlier occurred about 1 1/2 years ago. Without going into unnecessary detail, suffice it to say that my wife and I were once a part of a "family" (let's say) and when we shared a difference of opinion we were ousted from said family and treated as if we were lepers. The person responsible for the ousting told me that I had wounded that person by having this difference of opinion. That by questioning the handling of the situation that I had put a knife in that persons back. I can honestly say that putting a knife into this persons back was not at all intended but I have to acknowledge that this person did indeed feel that I had. For that person, their hurt was just as real as my own for being treated the way I was treated.
So who wins? Certainly not myself or the other person or all the other people affected by this event. Did God win anything by two church people splitting not just their own relationship but the subsequent relationships of more than a few? I have no idea what God won or even lost in this situation. God never lets me ni on these things and I am less prone these days to do any speaking for Him on any subject simply because I have learned not to make that presumption anymore.
But I am told and instructed by His word to trust Him with it. And I actually do because having the right amount of information about what is going on behind those scenes has nothing to do with choosing to trust Him or not.  
I went to the Lord and asked for forgiveness for my part and asked for help in forgiving the other person as well. I believe that God made good on both counts. And yet the hurt still hurts. It hasn't miraculously disappeared and in fact I have allowed it to make me gun shy of getting involved in any more church families because to be frankly honest I just don't trust the sheep or the shepherds much anymore. Ironically the person who taught me that sheep bite took the largest chunk out of me. And that person would maybe say the same about me.
But I can't feel their pain. I am remorseful over it and am deeply sorrowful about it not just because of being ousted from that "family" but mainly because I thought that person and I meant something to one another. At least meant enough to be able to work through any conflicts and be able to reconcile which has always been my desire but obviously not the other persons. If I have learned anything about God's love, mercy, grace and forgiveness it's that it can cover a multitude of sin and that with it any broken relationship can be healed and repaired. But as they say it takes two to tango and a solo tango is at best kind of funny and pathetic to watch.
As I said, it has been about 1 1/2 years and although an olive branch was extended the other really wanted nothing to do with it. This too can all lead me to make all kinds of assumptions but as I said who am I to really know what goes on with someone else?
Part of me wants to lash out and expose "stuff" but I have had to ask myself why and the answer really is to hurt back and of course God wants none of that. And so I keep it all to myself because I never wanted to cause harm in the first place and in order to not cause further harm I must do as I'm told and keep my mouth shut.
I guess I just needed to vent. I'm not looking for any response and certainly want no allies. My flesh would love some but I don't need any because as I have learned it is sometimes those that are the seemingly closest who are close enough to take out the biggest chunks.
I know little to nothing anymore which means I knew even less when I thought I knew what I thought I knew. But I know that God can be trusted despite the crap we cause each other because He continues to see fit to bless and do things that continue to astound me and give me deep appreciation for His hand in my life. Plus He did die on that cross and defeat death and create life in all it's splendor and wonder and all so He does deserve at least some trust. And He gives us a way to live with the hurt and loss along with the good and the even great.
I guess the problem has to do with trusting His people. Him I can easily trust but His people? Yikes! Them suckers can really make a mess of things. I should say "us" suckers. But this is the dilemma. Getting back in the ring after getting the crap beat out of you. This is where lots of prayer comes in. Obviously more than has happened already.
God bless all of you.
Even you.